Pastor Glenn McDonald: VDPs--Very Draining People

As recently as 1971, astronomers wondered if there really was such a thing as a “black hole.”

That was the colloquial name given to an ultra-dense mass predicted by Einstein’s general relativity equations.  

According to the reckonings of cosmologists, it might be possible for a massive star to burn through its enormous fuel supply of hydrogen in a few million years. Then, suddenly and dramatically, the stellar “shell” might collapse into an object so dense that even light would be unable to escape from its surface.

A spoonful of such material would outweigh our entire planet. Gravity would be so strong that a black hole would gobble up everything in its neighborhood, including myriad other stars.

Since these ideas sounded about as plausible as a middle school science fiction novel, most astronomers refrained from committing themselves to the black hole theory – until one actually turned up, that is.

Then it happened. Multiple researchers confirmed that Cygnus X-1, a powerful celestial source of X-rays, was the real deal – an object so dense that its surface can’t even be seen, appearing to be nothing more than a giant tear in the cosmic curtain.

Fifty-four years have now come and gone. Astronomers have found more black holes. A lot more. For instance, there’s an enormous one at the center of our Milky Way galaxy, which is thought to have ingested something like 4.3 million stars.

How many black holes are out there? In 2023, cosmologists, by combining everything we have learned from various strands of research, estimated that the cosmos contains at least 40 quintillion black holes. That’s the number 4 followed by 19 zeroes: 40,000,000,000,000,000,000 – a figure we hope never comes into play during Congressional discussions of America’s national debt.

Celestial black holes may be a recent discovery. But relational black holes have been known ever since people began spending time with other people.

We’re talking about individuals who have the unique ability to drain us of life-giving energy.

That’s the hallmark of the Very Draining Person, the fifth and final relational category described in Gordon MacDonald’s Anatomy of a Spiritual Leader.

According to MacDonald, different people can have dramatically different effects on our passion to make it through a given day.

Very Resourceful People are the mentors who inspire or rekindle our vision. Very Impactful People are the friends and colleagues who share our vision as they walk beside us. Very Trainable People look to us as inspiring sources of fresh vision. Those are the kinds of people who “pour into” our lives. Their effect on our energy is positive.

Very Nice People, however, are a different story. The net effect of their presence, when it comes to stirring our spirits, is zero.

Which brings us at last to the VDP. MacDonald assigns them an energy value of -1.

Very Draining People are energy vacuums. They are the black holes in the fabric of the relational cosmos. When a VDP has you on the phone, 10 minutes feels like two hours. When a VDP shows up unannounced at your front door and says, “I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d just drop by for a while” you realize that whatever plans you had for the day have now been shoved to the back burner.  

What’s remarkable, of course, is that the very same person who makes you want to hide behind the luggage in your bedroom closet and scream is somebody else’s hero.

None of us is genetically encoded to be a certain type all the time and in every relationship.

Part of the mystery of sharing life with other people are the surprising ways in which we find ourselves lifted up by some relationships and flattened by others.

VDP’s, predictably, take a beating on the internet.

“Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy-draining person!” says one guru. “Run for your life!” advises another.

It’s true that we cannot fix Very Draining People. But we cannot run away from them, either.  

“For God so loved the world…” we read in John 3:16. This world that God loves is filled with draining people. What we can know for sure is that all of us are in desperate need of God’s love and grace – and we can go to bed tonight knowing that each of us is undoubtedly regarded as a VDP by at least one other person.  

So, what is God’s call on our lives? We must grow in our ability to listen sympathetically and speak encouragingly, even to those who leave us exhausted.

And we must also seek relational balance.

Most of us fail to balance our relational commitments. Therefore our energy needs quickly become skewed.

MacDonald noticed that his own tendency in ministry was to focus on the two categories of people who had the least positive impact on his energy. He felt that motivating the nice people and “successfully ministering” to the draining people was a strategy that would please God.

As a consequence, he spent far less time with wise mentors, trusted friends, and eager apprentices – and only after years of frustration came to realize this was a formula for total depletion.

So where does that leave us at the end of this week?

We can reaffirm the old saying that the best things in life are not things. They are life-giving relationships.

And we can ask God to help us find balance in the way we relate to others day by day.

Perhaps this prayer can help us find our way:

Lord, please open my eyes today. Help me find the mentor who will renew my hope and enthusiasm. Show me how to be the kind of friend who breathes life into those who are discouraged. When others look to me for wisdom, help me generously share what I know. More than anything else, help me be a spring of fresh water and not a drain. May my heart overflow with your compassion toward every person I meet. In the name of your infinitely compassionate Son I pray, Amen.


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